Who Said I Wanted to be A Role Model?
by Red Witch
Summary: The Joes have their toughest assignment ever: mentoring some mutant teenagers called the Misfits! Crossover with X-Men Evolution. Enjoy the completed madness and wonder who is exactly teaching who!
1. Gossip and Griping on a Monday Morning

**I don't own any GI Joe characters or X-Men Evolution characters. With the exception of Xi, Althea, Trinity, and Baby Claudius of course. This ties into my Misfit series. Of course this time it's from the Joes' perspective. **

**Who Said I Wanted to Be a Role Model?**

Chapter One: Gossip and Griping on a Monday Morning

Over the years GI Joe had seen everything imaginable. From ancient civilizations to ghosts, from aliens to time travel, the team had dealt with all sorts of weird and strange things under the sun. They had even encountered Egyptian Gods and fought giant monsters without a hitch. America's best fighting team had seen it all, done it all and was ready for anything.

And then one day Roadblock and his unit found an abandoned young mutant in a swamp, and it changed everything. 

Oh sure they had dealt with mutants before. Even one of their own, Low Light had been mutated against his will by Cobra. And Shipwreck even had five children that were mutants and were being raised on base. But this kid was different. His name was Todd Tolensky, AKA Toad. He was a former flunky working with a mutant terrorist named Magneto. However Magneto believing that the boy was weak abandoned him and left him for dead. Hawk didn't have the heart to turn the boy over to a government lab to be experimented on, so he gave him to Roadblock to train and raise. 

Toad not only bonded with Roadblock and Shipwreck's own children, but several other members of the Joe team as well. Not long after, the Joes had encountered a young mutant that Cobra had created but had escaped from the labs. Soon after that, several of Toad's friends, also abandoned by Magneto came to live with him. Before the Joes knew it, they had a whole herd of young mutants on their hands. 

Hawk finally did the only thing he could do, he managed to set up a separate team of Joes that were in charge of training and raising the young mutants who called themselves appropriately enough, The Misfits. Even though the team under Roadblock's leadership was responsible for training them, the rest of the Joes found themselves getting more and more involved with the kids. 

It was during one of Hawk's meetings with Roadblock on the Misfits' progress that the whole mess started. He and Flint were sitting in the Misfit home kitchen with Shipwreck and Roadblock. "I can't believe that actually happened," Hawk blinked. "And this happened when you were at the Slaughterhouse?" 

"Uh huh," Roadblock nodded. 

"You found them all together?" Hawk blinked. 

"Uh huh," Roadblock sighed. 

"In the same bed?" Flint blinked.

"Uh huh," Roadblock nodded.

"And there were feathers everywhere?" Hawk asked.

"Uh huh," Roadblock nodded.

"What were they…?" Flint started to ask.

"I really didn't ask," Roadblock sighed. "With those kids it could be anything!" 

"O-kay," Hawk sighed deciding he was better off not knowing. 

"So anything more on the Duke/Scarlet/ Snake Eyes love triangle?" Shipwreck asked.

"Let's see," Flint rubbed his chin. "Duke tried to talk to Scarlet the other day during training. She told him to buzz off and go for one of his other girlfriends. He tried to tell her that there were no other girlfriends and she was confusing him with Falcon. Then she said that she could see where Falcon got it from then punched his lights out." 

"In other words the same old thing," Roadblock sighed. "I really wish it would get more interesting!" 

An explosion rocked the building. "Uh shouldn't one of you be checking on that?" Hawk asked. 

"I think we're better off not knowing," Shipwreck sipped his coffee as if nothing had happened. 

"There's no doubt these kids can wear you out," Roadblock sighed. 

"Problems training them?" Flint asked.

"Not with getting them to train," Roadblock sighed. "It's teaching them to act like human beings that's a pain!" 

"Nobody said training mutants was going to be easy," Hawk told him. 

"I know these kids need the discipline, but after a while its so easy to give in," Roadblock sighed. 

Just then a lanky teen with sandy long hair hopped in on all fours. He positioned himself at Roadblock's side and looked up at him with big yellow eyes. "Oh lord Toad," Roadblock groaned. "What happened now?" 

"Roadblock," Toad said. "Lance and Pietro were having a staring contest and they wouldn't let me play so then Xi attacked them but then Wanda started to fight but then Pietro said something really stupid so everybody attacked him and now nobody is paying attention to me and can I sit with you for a while?" 

"Two year olds," Roadblock grumbled. "We're babysitting a bunch of overgrown two year olds. Come on show me what's going on," He got up and went back with Toad. 

"Is it always like this?" Flint asked.

"You have no idea," Shipwreck groaned. "We really need a vacation. Even if it's only for a day! Don't get me wrong we love the kids but…"

Another explosion sounded out back. Shipwreck winced. "We just need a break!" 

"Oh come on Shipwreck I know it's not easy having kids," Flint said. 

Shipwreck glared at him. "Flint, you and Lady Jaye send that daughter of yours to a fancy smancy prep school and let her stay at her grandmother's mansion during the summer. How much time do you **actually** spend together? A couple weeks tops! Talk to me when you have your kid around longer than a few hours. Trust me there is a difference!" 

Another explosion shook the building. "A **huge** difference," Shipwreck moaned. An alarm sounded throughout the house. "Oh for crying out loud! **Now **what's on fire?" Shipwreck groaned as he got up. "Excuse me please." 

"Man it sounds like they really have their hands full," Flint said. 

"Well if anyone can handle the job of raising these kids these Joes can," Hawk said. 

That was when Spirit walked into the kitchen. "Excuse me," He said as he took out a watermelon from the fridge. He brought out a large mallet and then proceeded to smash it violently while screaming. 

"FOR THE LAST TIME JAMES SCARREY IS NOT A MUTANT! AND NEITHER IS DICK CLARK!" Low Light shouted as he walked through the kitchen. "CRAZY! THEY'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!" 

"I will not kill them," The Blind Master followed him. "I will not kill them. I'd **love **to kill them but I will not kill them!"

"Would you like to use the watermelon?" Spirit asked, casually stopping his pounding. 

"Nah actually I'm in more of an apple mood today," The Blind Master took out an apple and his sword. He threw the apple in the air and started to slice it into tiny bits. Spirit nodded and then went back to pounding and screaming. 

"Three, four, five…" Cover Girl walked in counting strands of her own hair. "FIVE MORE GREY HAIRS! AGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!" 

"I am so glad I send my kid to boarding school," Flint gulped. 

"Maybe they do need a break," Hawk sighed. 

************************************************************************

"You can't be serious," Duke asked.

"He is," Beach Head grumbled. Hawk had Duke, Flint, Beach Head, Scarlet and Lady Jaye with him in the briefing room. 

"Look it's just for one day," Hawk said. "This is a good opportunity."

"For who?" Beach Head asked. 

"The Misfits aren't bad, not really," Hawk told him. "They just need some more positive role models. Especially human ones."

"I don't know about this General," Duke sighed. 

"Look at it this way," Hawk said. "It's also a time for us to evaluate their progress." 

"And a time for the adults at the Misfit center to recover," Flint said. 

"Well, I guess it couldn't hurt," Scarlet said. "It's only for one day." 

"As long as I don't get Quicksilver I don't care," Beach Head told him. 

"What's wrong with Quicksilver?" Duke asked. 

"He's a nut that's what's wrong with him," Beach Head told him.

"They're all nuts," Duke said. 

"Yeah but he takes it to an art form!" Beach Head told him. 

"Well compared to Xi he's not that bad," Duke said.

"What do you have against Xi?" Scarlet asked.

"Besides the fact that he's a genetically engineered assassin who looks like the Cobra mascot?" Duke asked. "It's the way he stares at you. He just sits there, watching. Like he's studying you. I'm sorry but he gives me the creeps." 

"Yeah well at least he's quiet," Beach Head said. 

"Yeah he doesn't go on and on and on babbling," Sgt. Slaughter moaned. "Like Toad!"

"You don't hate Toad now do you?" Lady Jaye asked.

"I never said that," The Sarge told her. "I'm just saying he's one guy I don't want to be stuck in an elevator with for a long time."

"For obvious reasons," Beach Head sighed. "Look I don't mind taking Xi or some of the other kids but I definitely do not want Toad or Quicksilver." 

"Well as long as we're calling dibs I want either Wavedancer or Scarlet Witch," Scarlet said. 

"Nobody is calling dibs! Look we all pick from this hat and whichever kid's name we pull out we're responsible for!" Hawk snapped. "No if, ands or buts! No trading or re-takes or dibs on anybody! Except for Lifeline because he offered to take the Triplets…"

"Well that's pretty reasonable," Beach Head shrugged as Hawk put the names into his helmet. 

"Okay I can agree to that," Falcon said. Everybody agreed to Lifeline taking the Triplets. "Don't suppose he could take Quicksilver as well huh?" 

"No!" Hawk said sternly. "Okay let's do this. Duke you're up first!"

"Oh goodly," Duke sighed as he drew a name out. "Which lovely child will I be spending the day with? Oh great…Avalanche. Our own walking Richter scale." 

"Hey at least it's not Toad or Quicksilver," Beach Head said.

"You have a point," Duke sighed. "But even Toad's not that bad! At least he tries to behave sometimes. Doesn't succeed but he tries." 

"Flint you're next…" Hawk sighed. "You too Lady Jaye…"

"I got Wavedancer," Flint said. 

"Well I got Toad so we have a matched set," Lady Jaye said.

"Oh it figures you two would get that pair!" Beach Head grumbled. 

"Okay I'm next," Scarlet crossed her fingers. "And I get…Scarlet Witch! YES!" She pumped her fist and gave Lady Jaye a high five. 

"Oh this has got to be rigged!" Beach Head protested. "I'm gonna end up with Quickie…I know it!" 

"You may not," Hawk told him.

"Wanna bet?" Beach Head snapped. "Just my luck! Not that there are exactly any good picks left!" 

"Oh stop whining Beach Head and take it like a man!" Sarge snapped as he drew a name out. He looked at it. "Oh man I got the babies! I don't want to change diapers all day! I don't wanna!" 

"Ha!" Falcon snickered as he drew out a name. "Blob…well that's not too bad. How much trouble can he be?"

"Famous last words," Hawk snickered. "Well there's only two names left and there's only two of us left so…"

"Yeah, yeah…" Beach Head grumbled as he pulled out a name. "Figures I'd be the one to get stuck with…XI! YES!"

"NO!" Hawk looked stricken. "You're lying!"

"No way baby!" Beach Head showed him the paper. "Read it and weep! There is a god! Yes! Yes! Oh yes!!!!" He whooped with joy and danced around. 

"No, no…" Hawk looked at the last piece of paper in the hat. "Quicksilver…why oh why did I get stuck with Quicksilver? Anybody want to trade?"

"No trading General," Beach Head said happily. "You insisted! Remember?"

"So I did," Hawk moaned. "Me and my big mouth…" 

**Next up: The fun begins for General Hawk…Any requests? Send 'em in! **


	2. General Nuisance

**General Nuisance**

"Okay I can do this," General Hawk told himself. "I mean I've been in combat for nearly my entire adult life. I've fought Cobras, mercenaries, and mutated creatures beyond count. How hard could it be to look after one mutant teenager for one afternoon?" 

He opened the door to his office. There stood Quicksilver at attention, but he was not dressed in his regular costume. Instead he was dressed like General Patton. "Good morning General Hawk Sir!" He saluted enthusiastically. 

"Oh lord give me strength…" Hawk moaned. "Quicksilver!"

"General Quicksilver reporting for duty sir!" Quicksilver saluted again.

"The only general you are is a general pain in the ass," Hawk groaned. "What are you doing dressed up like that?"

"Hey since I'm going to be a general for the day I might as well look the part! Don't you think this is slimming on me?" He turned around and modeled.

"Quicksilver you are not, repeat, **not** a general for the day! Now change back into your regular uniform before I court martial you!" 

Quicksilver pouted then left the room. Ten seconds later her returned wearing his trademark blue and silver outfit. "You know I had to go all the way home for this."

"Like I care," Hawk said. "Okay let's lay down some ground rules. Rule number one is that you will treat me and this office with respect! Got it?"

"Of course."

"Then for god's sake please remove the pictures of dogs playing poker from the walls!" Hawk shouted. True to form there were several pictures of dogs hanging from the walls.

"Hey the room needed something. Besides it goes with the new paint job."

"Paint job? You repainted my office? It looks the same."

"No before your office was a Dusky Gray. I changed it to Military Gray. Makes a much bolder statement don't you think? Initially I was going to go for Elephant Gray but then I thought you weren't really into a safari mode so then I went for a Sandy Gray but there wasn't enough paint. Well I knew I definitely didn't want to go for the Stone Gray. Bleach! No style at all. And then it hit me, Military Gray! How perfect is that?" 

"Quicksilver now I want you to answer me this question honestly…" Hawk sighed. "Just how many cups of BA's coffee did you drink this morning?"

"I only had one or two…" 

"That's not so bad…" Hawk grumbled to himself, not really believing it.

"Dozen…" 

"Oh god no!" Hawk moaned. "I'm doomed!" 

"Oh come on now General this will be fun!" Quicksilver chirped.

"You want fun? Okay how about helping me with these requisition forms? That ought to be enough fun for you," He looked at his desk. "Where are they? I had a huge stack of them right here." 

"Oh I've already taken care of those forms," Quicksilver waved his hand. "Just filled them all out and sent them on their merry way!"

"All four hundred and eighty seven of them?" Hawk's jaw dropped.

"Four hundred and ninety nine," Pietro remarked. "I kind of added a few things we might need on the base." 

"Like what?" Hawk dreaded the answer.

"It's a surprise," Quicksilver grinned. 

"Oh no…" Hawk was getting a very bad feeling about this. "No surprises! I hate surprises! Tell me right now what you ordered Quicksilver or so help me…!" 

"Okay," Quicksilver whipped out some puppets. "This is a perfect time for me to show you my new presentation." 

"NO PUPPETS!" Hawk shouted. "NO PUPPETS!" 

"These are not puppets," Quicksilver sniffed. "These are three dimensional fabric models used for display and strategic presentation."

"Quicksilver these are my socks that used to be used to cover my feet!" Hawk told him. "I recognize the fabric. So that's what happened to my new brown pair!" 

"I'm conserving resources," Quicksilver told him.

"Quicksilver," Hawk took one of the puppets from him. "Stealing my socks and using them to make puppets isn't exactly what I had in mind for you rehabilitation." 

"Actually that one was made out of Shipwreck's underwear," Quicksilver corrected him.

"Now I need a shower…" Hawk threw it away.

"It was a clean pair. Give me some credit!" Quicksilver said. "I'm not Toad you know!" 

"I miss Toad…" Hawk sighed. "He was kind of fun to have around in the office. A little messy but at least he knew when to shut up…sometimes." 

"You know you seem a little down, is there something on your mind?" Quicksilver grabbed a pen and a pencil. "You seem so tense. What's bothering you?"

"You actually have to **ask** me that question?" 

"Maybe you're having problems with your love life. When was the last time you were on a date anyway?"

"THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!" Hawk roared.

"That long huh?" Quicksilver looked at him. "I knew it. I could set a date up for you if you'd like. Give you some pointers." 

"NO! NO! NO!" Hawk shouted. "We are not going to talk about that anymore! We're not gonna talk about anything anymore! This experiment is over! I'm the general around here and I am pulling rank! Somebody else on this base has got to take you because I can't!" 

"You're not abandoning me like my father did are you?" Quicksilver put on a hurt look. 

"Oh now wait a minute…" Hawk stopped. 

"I want to discuss things with you!" Quicksilver gave him a hurt puppy dog look. "I'm just a poor misunderstood abused child! My insane father did experiments on my twin sister and me and forced us to fight for him in order to take over the world! I need a positive male role model to talk to me! I wanna bond!" He grabbed Hawk in a bear hug. 

"Of all the times for me to be out of duct tape…" Hawk rolled his eyes. "All right! All right! We'll try this again! But I don't want you to be fooling around this time! Got it?" 

"Got it!" Quicksilver grinned. He then rushed out of the room and came back with a pot of coffee and some cups. "How about we bond over a cup of Joe?" 

"Lord give me strength…" Hawk sank down to his chair at his desk and hid his face in his hands. "What was I thinking? And what are **you** thinking? Aren't you wired enough yet?" 

"I want to know things about you," Quicksilver beamed. "How did you get to be a general? Did you see a lot of fighting in your career? How many medals do you have? What are you political views on Spongebob Squarepants?"

"Who the hell is Spongebob Squarepants?" Hawk looked at him. 

"You don't know? He's great! He's so funny! He's this generation's Daffy Duck, Droopy the dog and Woody Woodpecker all rolled into one big square yellow blob of fun! Hey his show starts in five minutes! Let's go watch it! I can teach you the theme song while we wait! _Oh who lives in a pineapple under the sea…" _

"NO!" Hawk snapped. "Absolutely not! We are in the army soldier! We do not have time to watch silly cartoons like three-year-olds! I am trying to teach you how to be mature and responsible and watching cartoons all day is definitely not responsible or mature! So forget about it!" 

"Well we could always fill out these reports," Quicksilver yanked out a huge stack that nearly reached the ceiling. "If found them stacked in your closet. You really should look at some of them. Some are dated 1989! I think you're a bit behind. I can help you…" 

"Fine we'll watch the cartoons," Hawk allowed himself to be dragged down the hallway. "Anything to get out of more paperwork and to shut you up!" 

"Oh great!" Quicksilver dragged him along as he ran at top speed, effectively knocking people out of the way as he ran. "I have got to teach you the theme song!" 

"And I have got to see about giving your caregivers a raise or something…" Hawk muttered. 

**Next: Duke and Avalanche find that they have similar problems. But what did Quicksilver order? Keep those ideas coming! **


	3. Heart Quakes

**Heart Quakes**

"All right," Duke said to himself as he went to his office. "Let's mold this little punk into a man."

He walked in, expecting Avalanche to sit there slacking off. His jaw dropped at what he saw. 

"Avalanche reporting for duty sir!" Avalanche saluted with a grin. "I took the liberty of sorting your files, sweeping your office and watering your plant sir!" 

Duke stood there shocked. Avalanche rarely did anything without being told to. And even after he was told sometimes he still didn't do it. This and the silly grin on his face meant only one thing. 

Avalanche was happy.

And a happy Avalanche was a lot worse than his usual sullen self.

"Uh…" Duke gulped. "Good job…Avalanche…"

As Avalanche beamed the ground shook violently, reflecting his happiness at the simple complement. Immediately nearly everything in the office was knocked over, including Duke. "Oops," Avalanche gulped as he scratched his head. "Sorry about that." 

"No problem," Duke looked around at the wrecked office. "Accidents…happen." 

"I'll be more careful sir! Really! I promise!"

"I believe you! I believe you," Duke stood up quickly. "You're…in a good mood this morning. Why?"

"Well…I just want to do well sir." 

"No seriously why? Oh no…did you drink any of BA's coffee this morning?"

"Maybe I had one or two cups," Avalanche laughed nervously. 

"I'm going to go take a walk now," Duke decided to leave. "Why don't you clean this place up a bit." Duke could not get out of that room fast enough. "Okay now I gotta go kill BA for serving him coffee. And odds are the rest of the Misfits are wired up as well. This is gonna be such a fun day." 

He stormed into the cafeteria and saw an odd sight. BA and several other Joes were in front of a huge betting board. "Okay place your bets, place your bets," BA called out.

"What is going on here?" Duke asked. Then he noticed that there were donuts everywhere as well as other pieces of food. "Okay why is this place a mess?"

"I have no idea," Falcon said calmly. Of course he and the Blob had food splattered on them. 

"Oh really?" Duke glared at them. "Sure you can't guess why?"

"No but we could really use your help," Falcon said. "Are you and Scarlet going to have another fight soon?"

"And if you do can we tape it?" Blob asked.

"NO!" Duke shouted. 

"Was that a no to the first or second question?" Blob asked. 

"BOTH OF THEM!" Duke shouted.

"Uh oh, sounds like Duke's a little testy," Sci Fi remarked. "I got him fighting with Scarlet at 9:30 this afternoon!"

"Make it noon for me!" Snow Job called out. 

"I got dibs on anytime between 6 and 8 p.m.!" Falcon shouted. 

"Good I'll write it down," Blob did so. 

"I know you people are betting on my love life but could you at least have the decency to wait until I'm out of the room before you do so?" Duke shouted.

"Where's the fun in that?" Snow Job snickered.

"Okay before I sentence you all on KP duty for life is there any reason why you served the Misfits coffee this morning?" Duke snapped.

"Hey you wanted them fully functional and alert for the day," BA shrugged. "Okay new bet, how long do you think it will be before Duke snaps?"

"From what? The Misfits or lack of action in the bedroom?" Snow Job asked.

"Good question," BA said. 

"We can make that part of the bet," Blob suggested. 

"Great idea!" Falcon beamed.

"I COULD COURT MARTIAL ALL OF YOU FOR THIS!" Duke screamed.

Falcon snorted. "Yeah, right. Duke even the General and Beach Head are in on this. Which reminds me, Beach Head wins ten bucks because you threatened us with court martial for finding out about this."

"Rats!" Tunnel Rat snapped his fingers. "I was so sure you'd threaten to use us for target practice." 

"That's it!" Duke stormed away. "I am out of here! All of the sudden spending the day with a hyper mutant teen-ager doesn't seem so bad anymore!" 

Duke stormed into his office only to find the door closed and locked. "What the…? Avalanche?" 

"In a second!" Avalanche called out. "I'm on the phone. No Kitty I am listening." 

"AVALANCHE YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE THE PHONE TO CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Duke shouted. "AVALANCHE! AVALANCHE OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW! IF YOU DON'T OPEN THIS DOOR SO HELP ME!" 

Nothing happened. "FINE! I'LL JUST KICK IT DOWN!" He tried to but he ended up hurting his foot instead. "OW! Of course…I put in that extra strength lock when I discovered Shipwreck was sneaking into my office looking for donuts."

Then there was a scream and a loud tremor that knocked him to the ground again. "OKAY AVALANCHE NOW YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT!" Duke shouted as he got back up. "I TRIED TO BE NICE! I'M WARNING YOU! THAT'S IT THE WARNING IS OVER!" He took out his gun and shot the lock open. "All right mister now…"

Duke stopped cold. His office was ruined and there were several huge cracks in the wall and ceiling. But what really stunned him was the sight of Avalanche. There he was sitting on the floor bawling his eyes out. "We had a fight…" He looked at him with tear stained eyes.

"Oh god…" Duke rolled his eyes. 

"I can't help it," Avalanche sniffed. "Have you ever been totally in love with someone? So crazy about a person it made your heart physically hurt? But then things go wrong and you get blamed and there's nothing you can do about it?"

"Well yes," Duke admitted. 

"And then this other guy comes along," Avalanche went on. "Not just any guy, a guy she has some kind of 'special bond' with. A guy who not only saved her life a few times but is part of some weird clique or gang they both belong to."

"Oh yeah…" Duke said. "Been there." 

"And of course you're left out of the group," Avalanche went on bitterly. "Which makes it hurt all the more. And all your friends are betting on when you'll break up. Your so called friends are enjoying your pain for their own twisted amusement!" 

"Uh huh…" Duke's eyes glazed over. 

"Then the next thing you know you're the butt of every stupid joke going around. All you want to do is do your best and get the girl but it never happens! Something always comes up or some misunderstanding happens and she thinks you're to blame and then goes running to the other guy while everyone's laughing at you right to your face." 

"Any dignity or authority you have ever had is shattered and all you can do is take it!" Duke shouted.

"Yeah you sound like you know what I'm going through," Avalanche blinked. "You know I feel better now. Still hurting. Sorry about loading all of this on you Duke. Duke? Are you…crying?" 

"Kid…" Duke sighed. "Move over and pass the tissues." 

**Next: A certain couple is acting childish. And Toad and Wavedancer end up watching the spectacle and playing referee! Or are they fueling the flames? But what's the fight about? And what wackiness will happen next? It's up to you! **


	4. Can't You Two Behave?

**Can't You Two Behave?**

"YOU ARE SO WRONG!"  
"NO YOU ARE WRONG!" 

"WRONG!"

"WRONG!"

"BOOGER BRAIN!"

"OH THAT'S MATURE! MOLECULE MIND!" 

"Now calm down you two," Wavedancer warned. "Don't make me separate you."

Lady Jaye and her husband Flint were squaring off at each other. Wavedancer and Toad were watching them. "So what set you two off this time?" Wavedancer asked. 

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" They both shouted at her. 

Then they glared at each other. "DON'T YOU YELL AT HER!" They both shouted. 

"Children…we need to discuss something," Lady Jaye tried to speak in a civil tone. "Please wait outside."

"Uh oh," Wavedancer remarked. "Come on Toad they're going to start throwing furniture at each other again."

"WE ARE NOT!" They both shouted as they closed the door.

"Man they're really going at it," Toad shook his head.

"Don't worry," Wavedancer waved. "They have these fights every now and then. Marissa and I used to watch the fun all the time. Once we even got them to do some jousting using motorcycles." 

"Who's Marissa?" Toad asked as he heard the screaming continue.

"Their daughter," Wavedancer said. "She's about the same age as me."

"They have a kid?" Toad scratched his head. "How come I ain't seen her before?"

"Her folks sent her away to this rich private school when she was about twelve," Wavedancer explained. "During the summers she spends a lot of time with her grandmother in Ireland."

"Boy that's rough," Toad shook his head. He heard a lamp break inside. "On the other hand…"

"Nah she loves it there," Wavedancer said. "For starters she makes a fortune every time exams come around. And she has her own mini casino hidden away in the attic and she's in charge of the betting pools at the school. At this rate she'll make as much money as Bill Gates by the time she's a senior."

"No kiddin'?" Toad looked at her. "Ain't she worried about the teachers or something?" 

"Are you kidding?" Wavedancer looked at him. "Marissa practically runs the joint! She's even got the head mistress on her payroll. Every Wednesday they go out for tea and to bet on the horses. They have a great time." 

"You're kidding?" Toad blinked. "Do her folks know about this?" 

"Of course her parents don't know!" Wavedancer rolled her eyes. "Duh! And don't you tell them either!" 

"So how come you didn't go with her?" Toad asked as a male scream was heard and the crackle of electricity sounded. 

"Do I look like prep school material to you?" Wavedancer looked at him. 

"Well I did have this one dream…" Toad smirked.

"Get outta here!" Wavedancer playfully shoved him. Then she heard something crash. "That sounded like a desk that time." 

"Are you sure they're going to be okay?"

"Fine they always miss each other," Wavedancer told him. "But just to be on the safe side…" She opened the door. The office was a wreck and both combatants were glaring at each other.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" They both screamed.

"ALL RIGHT LISTEN UP!" Wavedancer shouted. "I believe it's time to get out the jousting equipment and get on the motorcycles!" 

"Are you crazy?" Lady Jaye asked.

"What are you chicken?" Flint asked. "I'm game if you are! Of course if you're willing to admit you're wrong I'll…"

"No way!" Lady Jaye snapped. "I'll meet you on the field!" 

"You're on!" Flint snapped.

"All right!" Toad whooped. "Let's inform the betting pool!" 

**Next: What madness are Scarlet and the Scarlet Witch up to? I don't know. Seriously people I don't have a clue. This is where you come in! Send in those ideas! **


	5. Scarlet and the Scarlet Witch

**Scarlet and the Scarlet Witch**

"You know guard duty isn't as bad as most people make it out to be," The Scarlet Witch remarked. She and Scarlet were up in one of the lookout posts. "It's peaceful up here."

"Yeah it helps put one's life into perspective," Scarlet sighed. "Not to mention it's helpful for spying." She raised a pair of binoculars to her eyes. "Is Duke ever going to get off the floor in his office?" 

"You still like him don't you?" Scarlet Witch asked.

"Yes and no," Scarlet sighed putting them down. "It's…complicated." 

"You can talk to me if you like," Scarlet Witch suggested. "I mean I've never really been in love before. And I am certainly not counting Toad's infatuation of me! But if you have problems…" 

"Uh kid," Scarlet raised an eyebrow. "As much as I appreciate the offer I'm not that desperate and confused to talk over my love life with a teenager." 

"Hey did you hear!" They heard the voice of Snow Job down below. "Falcon's gonna set up Duke with this cute dancer he met!" 

"Bout time he got over Scarlet," They heard Big Lob remark.

"It all started when I first signed up…" Scarlet began.

Twenty minutes later in the communications control room Mainframe and Dial Tone were monitoring things. "Shouldn't Duke or Beach Head have called in by now to ask us how things are going?" Dial Tone asked. "Usually one of them checks up on us by now."

"Well I know Duke probably has his hands full with Avalanche," Mainframe shrugged. "But I would have thought Beach Head would check in, Xi or not. Oh well. Let's see what's going on in North Tower 3." He turned on the intercom.

"And what really gets me is that both of them seem to have it in their heads that I play some kind of damsel in distress mode," Scarlet's voice could be heard. "But with Snake Eyes at least I can talk to him. I don't have to worry about him interrupting."

"The fact that the guy can't talk must have something to do with it," Mainframe remarked.

"Who asked you to listen in on our conversation?" Scarlet snapped. 

"Geeze don't get your panties in a twist," Mainframe told her. "I wanted to see how things were going. Or are you too involved in your girl talk to notice?"

That was when Scarlet Witch used her powers to send back a loud feedback at them. "OWWWW!" They screamed.

"Serve's em right!" Scarlet snapped. "Who do they think they are? Jerks!" 

"Well we could always get revenge on them," Scarlet Witch said matter of factly.

"You're right!" Scarlet snapped her fingers. "And now is the perfect time! Look at 'em all down there! All chauvinistic morons! Well! We're gonna teach them a lesson right now!" 

"But I thought regulations stated…" Scarlet Witch started to say.

"Screw regulations!" Scarlet snapped. "Now hand me that bazooka and get me some water balloons!"

**Next: What fun shall Falcon and the Blob have? You tell me! Remember, the more ideas you send me the faster these chapters are gonna come up! **


	6. Falcon and the Blob Man

**Falcon and the Blob-Man**

"Blob don't get me wrong," Falcon sighed as they left the cafeteria that morning. "I enjoyed the food fight with BA and you were a big help with placing the bets and stuff. But I think you let things get out of hand when you set all those turkeys loose."

"But BA was going to cook them!" Blob said.

"He was supposed to cook them for dinner tonight!" Falcon groaned. "Besides you grew up on a farm! I thought slaughtering livestock didn't bother you?"

"It does when the livestock are prize winners!" Blob told him. "I know talent when I see it. We could make some real money with them!"

"Blob if this is anything like your idea of becoming a sumo wrestler in Japan…" Falcon groaned. 

"Hey that's still a possibility," Blob told him. "Sumo wrestlers are very respected over there! They get a lot of girls!"

"They also have to be a certain weight," Falcon said. "You still have to go on a diet to get into the heavyweight division!" 

"Maybe not. I'm thinking of starting a mutant division or something. But first I want to work on the turkeys! That's a real gold mine!" 

"Blob as much as I love a good money making scheme I don't think renting out turkeys as companions is gonna fly."

"We could start small. Hey we can get your brother Duke to be our first customer! He's lonely right?"

"He's not **that** lonely!" 

"Turkeys make great pets," Blob said. 

"Oh yeah that's what Duke needs," Falcon sighed. "A real bird to keep him company." 

"Maybe we'll set Duke up with Mimi," Blob mentioned to Falcon as they walked. "She's a dancer."

"Yeah Blob whatever…" Falcon sighed, not realizing they had been overheard by some Joes who misinterpreted the conversation. "We'll do that." 

They went into a vacant room. "Okay Blob maybe now it's time we talk about a few things," Falcon told him. 

Blob nodded. "I'm glad you brought that up. I think now is a good time that we should talk about your feelings."

Falcon looked at him. "Are you kidding?" 

"No you need to confront these issues. Your feelings for Jinx, your jealousy towards Duke, your unresolved issues towards your mother…"

"WHAT UNRESOLVED ISSUES TOWARDS MY MOTHER?" Falcon shouted. 

"That's what I'm here to find out," Blob took out a paper and pencil. "So sit back and tell me all about them!" 

"I am not going to tell you anything!" Falcon snapped. 

"Well then how can I help you with your problems. From what I hear you have a lot of them." 

"CRAZY!" Falcon shouted. "HE'S MAKING ME CRAZY!" 

"That's why I'm here to help," Blob said. 

"You are not helping!" Falcon told him.

"Yes I am," Blob said matter of factly. "Just like this morning when I helped those civilians."

"What civilians?" Falcon asked. 

"Well early this morning during our morning run we saw this bus had broken down," Blob explained. "So I decided that while the motor pool was fixing their bus they'd be allowed to tour the Pit. I made an executive decision. Isn't that cool?" 

"You allowed a bus load of civilians to take a tour of the Pit?" Falcon shouted. "Are you out of your mind?"

"I thought you were the one who was out of your mind?" Blob scratched his head. At this Falcon screamed. "My you are a bit testy today aren't you?"

"Guys!" Dial Tone ran in. "We have a big problem! It's those civilians!"

"What did they do?" Falcon moaned.

"It's what they didn't do," Dial Tone moaned. "Or more accurately what they haven't done."

"Which is?" Falcon was dreading the answer.

"Put on their clothes."

"WHAT?" Falcon shouted. "BLOB!" 

"Well they said they were from a nature resort," Blob scratched his head. He showed him the flyer. 

"NATURIST RESORT YOU BOOB!" Falcon shouted. "THIS IS A NUDIST WOMEN'S RESORT! NOW WE HAVE ALL THESE NAKED WOMEN…." Falcon stopped. "Excuse me!" He ran out. 

They heard a bloodcurdling scream. "I forgot to mention the fact that the women were all over eighty years old didn't I?" Dial Tone sighed. 

"NO! STAY BACK! STAY BACK! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" They heard Falcon scream and the squeal of very excited elderly ladies.

"They're all chasing him aren't they?" Fred asked. 

"Yup," Dial Tone winced as he saw the scene.

"This isn't going very well is it?" Blob asked. 

"No it is not…" Dial Tone sighed. 

"Beach Head's really ticked off now isn't he?" Blob asked.

"Well he would be if he wasn't unconscious," Dial Tone remarked. 

**So what on earth did Xi do to poor Beach Head? You tell me! **


	7. Bedtime for Beach Head

**Bedtime for Beach Head**

"BA quit making that blubbering sound I can't hear you!" Beach Head spoke into the phone. "Oh that's not blubbering. That's gobbling. My mistake. Look I can't send the marines to go rescue your kitchen from rampant turkeys. Maybe I'll send somebody…Oh stop exaggerating! You know very well that it's impossible for turkeys to hold knives in their wings! What do you mean 'Somebody should tell them that?' BA! BA! Hmmm. He must have hung up on me." 

"Should we not investigate what happened?" Xi asked. His gold serpentine eyes seemed to glitter and reflect the gold marks surrounding them. It was a strange contrast to his green scaled skin and his long tan mane. 

"Maybe later. Knowing BA they probably just got loose and are running around making a mess. I told them something like this was gonna happen," Beach Head sighed. "I told them to get the already prepared turkeys but noooooooo! BA had to insist on freshness. He should never have broken his track record! That's what he gets for not listening to me! Not that anybody ever listens to me in the first place."

"I'm listening to you," Xi said. "You do not seem to be too upset that food preparation has been interrupted." 

"Well…anything to keep BA from cooking I guess," Beach Head shrugged. "Now just keep quiet while I do these reports." 

Beach Head started to work. He then felt like he was being watched. He was. Xi was silently staring at him with intensity. "What are you doing?" 

"I am observing you in silence as you ordered," Xi replied. "Do you wish me to make some noise?"

"No just…uh…" Beach Head stammered. Xi was doing what he told him to do after all. But there was something about the lab created mutant that unsettled him. Mostly the fact that Xi's stare tended to remind people of a ferocious predator waiting to pounce and in Xi's case they were not that far off. "Look uh…I'm gonna go get some coffee. You just…relax or something." 

"As you wish," Xi nodded his head slightly, not removing his eyes from him. 

"Duke's right. That is creepy," Beach Head muttered as he left the room. "Maybe I should trade with Hawk."

He passed the rec. room and did a double take. The television was blaring and Hawk was on the sofa singing with Pietro. _"Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob SQUAREPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!" _

"On the other hand…" Beach Head did an about face. "At least Xi's quiet." 

He walked back to his office and opened the door. The sound of blaring music assaulted his ears. "XI! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT RACKET! WHERE ARE YOU?" He looked around. "Have you turned invisible on me? Answer me!" 

Then he saw the package of open cookies on his desk. "Chips Ahoy?" Beach Head blinked. "Oh no…" 

It was now a well-known fact on the base that for some reason cookies, particularly Chips Ahoy for some reason made Xi more hyper than a two-year-old on Pixie sticks. That combined with the coffee Xi had drunk with the other Misfits made a dangerous combination. "Okay Xi! Xi….Come on out Xi," Beach Head gulped. "I just wanna talk. Xi? Xi?" 

"HUGS! HUGS!" Xi reappeared from behind and tackled him, bringing Beach Head to the floor. "TIME TO HUG BEACH HEAD!" 

"NO! NO HUGGING! NO HUGGING!" Beach Head tried to escape Xi's grip. 

"Huggy! Huggy! Huggy!" Xi affectionately nuzzled him. 

"NO! NO! NO!" Beach Head shouted. "Oh god why can't you be in one of your psychotic 'Let's Kill Everybody' moods instead when you get hyper?" 

"Dance with me!" Xi pulled Beach Head up and twirled him around. "Dance with me! It's so relaxing!"

"LET GO OF ME YOU MANIAC! LET…." Beach Head screamed as Xi let go and he collided with the wall. "Oww…Oh…look at the pretty birdies." He fell to the floor unconscious.

************************************************************************

"And that's how you found him?" Mainframe asked Dial Tone. 

"Yeah," Dial Tone nodded as Beach Head was wheeled off into the infirmary by Trinity. They were whispering something about garden gnomes and giggling. 

"Where did Xi go?" Mainframe asked.

"He went off with Wavedancer and Toad," Dial Tone explained, not noticing Trinity wrapping Beach Head up in silly string as they moved him along. "I saw Flint and Lady Jaye going over to the motor department. They were in one of their moods." 

"Oh great!" Mainframe groaned. "And to top it all off some kind of bus has just pulled in. I don't know how they got the clearance to come here!" 

"I'll go tell Duke what's happened," Dial Tone told him. 

"Uh…Duke's kind of occupied," Mainframe winced. "And you don't want to know what General Hawk is doing. Better try and talk to Falcon. I'll go see the Sarge. He's with the Renegades and the babies. I wonder how they're doing?"

**Next: What happens when babies attack? You tell me! **


	8. It Takes a Real Man to Change a Diaper

**It Takes a Real Man to Change a Diaper**

"Come on Mercer you gotta do it man," Red Dog said.

"ME? How come I gotta do it?" Mercer snapped. "You do it!"

"I'm not gonna do it!" Red Dog told him.

"Well I am certainly not going to do it," Tauros said defiantly. 

"Well I'm not gonna do it," Mercer told him. 

"WILL ONE OF YOU PANSIES DO IT!?" Sgt. Slaughter shouted. 

"Let **him** do it!" Each Renegade pointed at the others. 

"Oh for crying out loud!" Sgt. Slaughter groaned. "**I'll **do it you big babies!" 

"Fine you do it," Mercer backed off.

"Just be careful will ya?" Tauros gulped. "It could go off at any minute!"

"Tauros it's a baby, not a bomb!" Sgt. Slaughter told him. Claudius was looking up at him from the table. He was lying on his back with his little flippers waving happily. 

"Well it smells like something that should be banned by the Geneva Convention," Red Dog held his nose. 

"Look it's just a diaper change," Sgt. Slaughter told him as he started. "It's not exactly…HOLY CRAP!" 

"Yeah that about sums it up," Mercer gulped. 

"I think I need to lie down…" Red Dog wavered. 

"The last time I saw a mess even close to that was when one of the elephants in the circus got sick," Tauros winced. 

"Okay," Sgt. Slaughter gulped nervously. "Obviously this is going to be a little tougher than I thought. Just take a deep breath…"

"How can you?" Mercer asked. 

The Sarge finished changing. "Good that wasn't too bad. Where's the other one?" 

"Around here somewhere," Red Dog looked around.

"YOU LOST THE OTHER BABY?" Sgt. Slaughter yelled. This caused Claudius to cry very loudly. "Oh man…"

"Way to go Sarge," Red Dog said sarcastically. 

"Spread out!" Sgt. Slaughter ordered. "He's gotta be around here somewhere! Here you take him!" He handed him to Tauros. 

"Why me?" Tauros whined.

"Just play with him or something!" Sarge said as the others started to search for the baby. "Quiet him down!" 

"How?" Tauros asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Sarge snapped. "Just do it!"

"How can I just do it when I don't even know what it is?" Tauros snapped back.

"Sing him a song or something," Red Dog suggested. 

"Like what?" Tauros yelled over the screaming baby. 

"I don't know!" Red Dog yelled back, exasperated. "Anything!" 

"Uh…Okay," Tauros looked at Claudius as they left. "Something…Something…I have it!" He cleared his throat and started to sing. _"Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na na! My blood runs cold! My memory has just been sold! My angel is a centerfold! Angel is a centerfold!" _

"Gah?" Claudius stopped crying. 

Meanwhile Mercer was searching the officer's rec. room. "How could somebody who can't even walk be so fast?" He grumbled. Then he saw something scoot by. "Ah ha!" He picked up and grabbed a tiny little mutant that resembled a bird more than a boy. "Gotcha!" 

Unfortunately he forgot the baby mutant was carrying a whiffle bat at the time. "OW!" Mercer shouted as Barney bonked him repeatedly. "Why you little…" He grabbed the whiffle bat from Barney who immediately started crying. 

"Mercer!" Sgt. Slaughter stormed up to him. "What are you doing to that kid?"

"I'm not doing anything!" Mercer snapped.

"Well it doesn't look that way to me!" Sgt. Slaughter grabbed the bat from him. "Gimme that bat!"

"But Sarge…"

"You want me to put this someplace?" Sgt. Slaughter waved it at Mercer. He handed it back to Barney. "Here ya go little fella."

"But…" Mercer tried to explain.

"Anything to keep him from crying!" The Sarge snapped. "Come on!" He only heard Barney's squeals of joy. What he didn't see was Barney bonking Mercer. 

"Found him?" Red Dog looked at them.

"Yeah," Sgt. Slaughter nodded. "Okay Tauros we…" His jaw dropped.

Tauros was dancing around with Claudius singing. _"Slipped me notes under the desk, while I was thinking about her dress! I was shy. I turned away before she caught my eye! I was shaking in my shoes whenever she flashed those baby blues! Something had a hold on me when Angel passed on by. Those soft and fuzzy sweaters, too magical to touch! To see her in that negligée was really…" _

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Sgt. Slaughter shouted in horror.

"I am singing him a song like you told me," Tauros said matter of factly.

"NOT **THAT** KIND OF SONG YOU MORON!" Sgt. Slaughter shouted. 

"I think the Sarge meant a more family oriented type song," Mercer groaned.

"You mean something by Ozzy Osborne?" Tauros asked. 

"Give me that kid before you warp his mind even more!" The Sarge took him from Tauros. 

"Sarge that's Shipwreck's kid," Red Dog snickered. "Odds are the damage is already done." 

"Do I have to do everything around here?" Sgt. Slaughter groaned. 

"Well since you insist!" Mercer handed him Barney.

"Okay we will go now!" Tauros said cheerfully.

"They're all yours!" Red Dog nodded as they ran out the door.

"GET BACK HERE!" Sgt. Slaughter shouted. "THAT'S AN ORDER! DO YOU HEAR ME?" Of course with an order as important as that, they promptly ignored him. 

"Oh great!" Sarge groaned. "Now what am I gonna do? Hey no fighting you two!" The babies were now squalling with each other. "OW! Watch it with that bat Beaky! Okay…I just gotta think of something to calm you down." He put them down on the couch. 

Immediately the babies took off. "Or at the very least keep you guys from wrecking the place…" He moaned. "Hey! Don't break that!" 

About half an hour later the Renegades headed back in the general direction of the Sarge. "Maybe we should not have abandoned the Sarge like that?" Tauros asked.

"You're right," Red Dog sighed. "I mean he's stuck with us through tougher stuff than this. We shouldn't have ran out on him like that."

"Yeah I mean are we men or what?" Mercer puffed up. "We're not some cowardly wimps who go crawl into a hole and hide when the going gets rough." He looked in the door. 

All the Renegade's jaws dropped as they saw the mess inside the Officer's rec. room. But the biggest shock of all was the Sarge himself wearing pink bunny ears, dancing around singing in a high voice to the delight of the babies. _"Down in the meadow in an itty bitty pool swam three little fishes and a mama fishy too! Swim said the mama fist, swim if you can and they swam and they swam right over the dam! Boop boop, biddle baddy wadda shoo!" _

All the Renegades did an about face. "Okay all those in favor of hiding at the bar like little sissy cowards say aye!" Mercer gulped as they ran off.

"AYE!" They all shouted.

"Maybe if it is too early to get into the bars I know this lovely teashop," Tauros said.

"Anyplace is better than here!" Red Dog shouted. 

**Next: What's going on with Lifeline and the Triplets? Besides wheelchair races and Beach Head torture? **

Oh and Rift 120 I did want to put Zartan in the fic but well…

__

(Zartan is hopping along in a straightjacket.) 

Zartan: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! HAHAHAHAHA! FREE! FREE! NO MORE RED WITCH! NO MORE RED WITCH! I CAN'T TAKE HER ANYMORE! 

**Let's just say he's kind of unavailable at the moment. **


	9. Triple Trouble

**Triple Trouble**

Mainframe decided that someone had to go check up on the Triplets so he reluctantly went to the infirmary. What he saw there shocked him. "What the…?" 

The Triplets were dancing around in bright outfits. Lifeline was wearing a lab coat and Bree was looking in the mirror primping. Beach Head was tied up with silly string and bandages surrounded by garden gnomes. "Help me…" He moaned. "Please help me…" 

"Why is Beach Head tied up?" Mainframe yelled. 

"That's not Beach Head," Daria in a green outfit said. "That's Mojo Jojo!" 

"We're playing Powerpuff girls!" Quinn giggled. "I'm Blossom!"

"And I take it you're Bubbles?" Mainframe sighed as he asked Brittany. "Why are you guys letting them do this?" 

"It was either this or have them continue to hack into one of our defense system satellites," Bree explained. "For some reason the girls are convinced that there's an ancient spaceship hidden under a volcano containing giant robots that can transform into things." 

"That sounds like fun!" General Whithalf walked in. 

"General!" Mainframe hastily saluted. 

"Oh at ease!" Whithalf waved. "I got bored at the Pentagon and decided to have some fun for a change! Can I play?"

"Sure!" Brittany said. "You can be the Mayor!" 

"Oh that sounds marvelous!" Whithalf grinned. "What does he do?"

"Oh boy…" Mainframe staggered away. "Talk about typecasting." 

Half an hour later Mainframe and Dial Tone were wandering the halls again. "Why won't Duke leave his office?" Dial Tone asked. "I don't understand."

"Something about a meeting of Broken Hearts Anonymous or something," Mainframe sighed. "And now with Whithalf on the loose we really gotta be on our toes!" 

"YEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAA!" General Whithalf whizzed by on a rocket powered wheelchair. "I LOVE THIS!" 

"Yeah or we might get run over," Dial Tone groaned as that nearly happened as the Triplets whizzed by. 

"BANZAI!" Lifeline cheered as they raced down the corridor. 

"Who's supposed to be watching who?" Mainframe yelled. 

**Coming up, the conclusion of this crazy fic! **


	10. If I Ever Suggest This Again, Shoot Me

Shipwreck: Hey there! At this time on behalf of the Red Witch we'd love to thank all of you folks who contributed ideas and suggestions to this story! It really makes this swabbie's heart feel good. All right first up…**(Looks at the list) **Man there are a lot of you aren't there? Well…**THANK YOU EVERYBODY!**

Hawk: Yeah thanks **a lot** people! 

General Whithalf: Let's do the thank you dance for all the boys and girls! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! **(Struts around) **Your help is so appreciated! Thank you! 

Lifeline: Did I mention the General had two cups of BA's coffee as well as three shots of scotch? 

Hawk: No you didn't. Well thanks to all of you this has been a memorable fic. And I'd like to say one thing more before this ends…

**If I Ever Suggest This Again, Shoot Me**

"I never should have accepted Quicksilver's challenge of who can eat the most cookies in five minutes…" Hawk moaned as he staggered down the hall. "Why did I let him talk me into it?" 

"Sir the turkeys we were supposed to have for dinner tonight have taken over the cafeteria!" BA shouted as he ran up to him. "I was lucky to escape with my life!" 

"Is this some kind of joke?" Hawk groaned.

"Do I look like I'm joking!" BA shoved him in the direction of the cafeteria. "See for yourself!" He opened the doors. 

"You weren't kidding," Hawk blinked. There were turkeys everywhere. Several were pecking madly at plates and trays. 

"I told you I…DUCK!" BA grabbed Hawk and they dodged a fire attack. 

"Okay first what is a flame thrower doing in the kitchen in the first place and secondly how the hell did those birds learn how to use it?" Hawk snapped at him. 

"I dunno but Blob's the one who let them out," BA told him. 

"BLOB!" Hawk stormed outside. He stopped and blinked at the mess before him. "Why are those wheelchairs on fire?"

"Oh sorry…" General Whithalf walked up to them. "My bad." 

"General…" Hawk saluted and gulped. "This is not…" 

"The most fun I've had in a long time! It certainly is!" General Whithalf grinned. 

"You're not the only one having fun," BA pointed.

"HELP ME! SOMEBODY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!" Falcon screamed as he was being chased by the elderly nudists.

"Nudists…" Hawk was starting to twitch. "On…my base? This is not proper military procedure! This…this…FOR ONE THING THOSE PEOPLE ARE OUT OF UNIFORM!" 

"Even worse, one of them's my wife," Whithalf told them. "CHARLENE CONTROL YOURSELF! DON'T TORMENT THE NICE LIEUTENANT!" 

"This is not a good day…." Hawk groaned as Whithalf started to chase his wife. 

"I need help…" Hawk ran inside. He ran to Duke's office. "Duke! Duke! It's Hawk! Open up! We have a crisis on our hands!"

"GO AWAY! WE HAVE A CRISIS IN HERE TOO! OUR LOVE LIVES ARE A MESS!" Duke howled.

"Duke what the…" Hawk blinked. "Are you…crying?" 

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE US ALONE!" Duke bawled. 

"Duke isn't feeling well sir," Avalanche explained through the keyhole. "Yet strangely enough I feel much better. Especially since Kitty and I have made up." A loud sob could be heard. "Sir maybe I'd better talk him down?"

"You do that…" Hawk walked away, dazed. 

"Hawk!" Sci-Fi ran up to him. He was soaking wet. "Scarlet and the Scarlet Witch are using all the guys for target practice!" 

"Sir!" Ace ran in covered with whipped cream. "Xi set off a whipped cream bomb in one of the hangers! I had to swim through it to get out!" 

"Sir…" Mainframe walked up to him. "Beach Head's still…tied up in the infirmary."

"What about the Sarge?" Hawk dreaded the answer. 

"He's...A bit stressed with the babies," Mainframe gulped. "Let's just say Duke's not the only one crying." 

"Flint and Lady Jaye…" Hawk asked, terrified of the answer. 

"Uh…" Mainframe pointed to a window. Outside Hawk could see the two of them on motorcycles with lances and helmets. The remaining Misfits were cheering them on. 

"Hawk something tells me that this was not one of your better ideas," Mainframe sighed. 

"What have I done?" Hawk moaned. "This day has been nothing but a disaster! My second in command is having a nervous breakdown. One of my female soldiers is going on a shooting spree with water bombs. There is a horde of naked horny elderly women running amok on the base. Turkeys have taken over the cafeteria…" 

"With BA in charge turkeys have always been in charge of the cafeteria," Mainframe grinned.

"Yes but unlike the non feathered kind, these turkeys are a bit more organized!" Hawk snapped. "Two more of my officers are participating in a marital jousting tournament. There's an insane General loose. There's a mess all over the base. AND ON TOP OF IT ALL I HAVE THE STUPID THEME OF SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS RUNNING ON AND ON IN MY HEAD!" 

"Hey Hawk," Shipwreck walked up to them. "There's a crate of flamingoes at the gate. Do you know anything about this?"

"FLAMINGOES? HE ORDERED FLAMINGOES?" Hawk shouted. 

"Not the real ones," Shipwreck said. "The pink plastic ones. There must be a million of them in that case. Let me guess, Quicksilver ordered them right?"

"Bingo!" Hawk groaned.

"Yeah I thought so," Shipwreck scratched his head. "He's been going on and on about getting them all week. I wonder why he wanted them."

"I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE!" Hawk shouted. "JUST GET THESE MAINACS OFF MY BASE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!" 

"I don't suppose this would be a good time for you to consider 'Spend a Day With a Joe' to be a weekly thing would it?" Shipwreck asked weakly. At this suggestion Hawk screamed. "I'll take that as a no." 

"Let me put it to you this way…" Hawk told him. "From now on all Misfit handlers are getting **double **hazard pay!" 

"Well then today wasn't so bad after all," Shipwreck grinned. Then he frowned. "Oh great, now General Whithalf is running around in only his boxer shorts."

"Why me lord?" Hawk was crying. "Why me?" 


End file.
